Growing Up

Saying what’s on my mind.

just saying things outloud.
i don’t have to edit myself
being free from what people expect of me versus what is best for me
my sister is coming to town and I do not want to drop everything for her.
It is not my first priority, my first priority is me and my immediate family.
strange how my definition of family evolved to matt and the kids

taking care of my grandma, being with her
need my outlet
need to go back to writing

seeing myself wake up
find myself making more responsible choices over the more hedonistic

controlling my emotions – not reacting to every feeling as I have them
no longer relating

need to revisit my writing
my story
my Mona

Struggle
struggle
struggle
struggle with doing what is right and weigh two three steps ahead of my thoughts

redefining instant gratification: doing those spontaneous activities – from grabbing a drink with D
not rushing back to the city to see H
Not dropping my life which is what she expects me to do: summer, visit during unveiling

How H felt when I went to get my hair done

Writing, reading focusing on what is important – theme in my life

My husband biggest supporter

Defining the type of person I want to become. being that person.
They say write as if everyone you know is dead, living that way and being ethical

seeing ethics/ values different than that of my family core – struggling with last name – letting go of one identity and assuming the other with my married name.

Lost: Memory

I’ve been operating on auto-pilot lately. The only way I’ve been able to cope is to look at few steps ahead of me while remembering about half a step behind me.

I don’t remember what I had for dinner two nights ago or what I will do two days from now. With the help of my iPhone and those little alerts that pop up as reminders, I’m able to accomplish all of the important stuff.

Writing without Judgment

I cannot remember where I heard this great advice, write as if everyone you know is dead.

Quite liberating. Keeping these blogs quasi quiet and not having my mother’s influential eye observing me as enabled me to write more freely than I could have fathomed.

Careful What you Wish for

My mom would always say careful what you wish for it might come true, or more succinctly – Hell is where all of your wishes come true. I used to want to be famous and would happily settle for notoriety. But I honestly could not fathom people interrupting me constantly in public. Although, that could be a small price to pay for never having to wait for a table at a hot restaurant and being comped fabulous designer clothes.

I wanted to be a published author. I suppose I am, in magazines and some local papers but it has not changed my life the way I had envisioned and it is a hell of a lot more work, hustling if you will, to make it all happen. Any job for that matter is not nearly as glamourous as it may seem. Actors work 16 hour days and have to hustle for their work. Art Dealers are underminded all of the time. Store/ boutique owners have to bust their buts to make it look effortless. and my absolute favorite – synchronized swimmers, who are truly amazing athletes must make their performance seem effortless. Points are actually deducted if they do not smile. Not sure what i am saying, but I’m in my office, got the internet hooked up and am really enjoying typing on my computer without my refrigerator, telephone or kids vying for my attention. Perhaps all I really want is a few minutes of silence every now and then.

Back To Reading

I go through stages of reading books and at this moment I’m proud to say I am on a reading kick. The problem with finishing a great book is finding a new one to replace it.

A great book will have you excited to discover what happens next, constantly thinking about the characters and acting as an adovacate for the book.

My latest favorite novel this summer is Not Me by Michael Lavigne. I also enjoyed the Gurnsey LIterary and Potato Peel Society, Surrender, Dorothy, Commencement, and most of All We Ever Wanted Was Everything. The last two I have not loved. Commencement captured some nuances of Smith perfectly which increased its ranking in my book. There have been a few other novels that I did not finish as well as a collection of short stories by Ethan Canin I reread.

Julie and Julia and Me

Just saw the super cute movie Julie & Julia and besides wanting to cook a Beef Bourguignon could relate to the movie.

The similarities between me and Julie the blogger are:
We are both bloggers
we both have novels we wished were published
issues with our parents – although I miss my mom’s encouragement but not her critiques
right around 30 years old (I think I’m a year older than Julie is in the movie)
Married
New Yorkers – although she is in Queens
we both have (had?) doubts about ourselves as writers. Hard to believe Julie Powell does now given her book and movie with Meryl Streep and Amy Adams by Nora Ephron.

Nora Ephron effortlessly parallels the two women’s lives before their tomes reach the printing press and it’s comforting to know that Julia Child did not become “Julia Child” until she was in her 40s or 50s.

On some levels I too wonder when I will come into my own. there are many days I feel like I have in terms of business – although I did file my mother’s estate tax returns today which frees up one major responsibility – and as a mom and a wife. In other ways I’m embarrassed about my success – or lack thereof as a writer.

Humbled Vocabulary

It’s more common for me to silently correct someone’s grammar (adverbs anyone) than for a person to use a vocabulary word I don’t understand. Reading a foreign word in a book, yes, likely, but orally and with confidence can be humbling. Especially since I fashion myself a writer.

When I was about seven years old I was swimming in my grandmother’s pool with her friend’s granddaughter. We got along very well and she appeared as bright as I. Then she used a word nosh. It was the first time I heard the word and was immediately able to deduce its meeting. Then I tried to use it again, only instead of saying nosh I said nash. She asked me what that meant and I sheepishly told her it was the same word she had used hours earlier. She corrected me and now I’m comfortable using that word, but I did not appropriate any more of her vocabulary that day.

Conference #2

I took the same writer’s conference that I did last year, focusing on creative non-fiction as opposed to the novel.

Creative non-fiction – is that the Augusten Burroughs/ James Frey category? I guess there are certain liberties one can take writing. For example, I can comfortably say that my hair is falling out in clumps when in reality I find loose strands on my pillow case, in my hands after I run fingers through my hair.

Because of all of the family stuff going on during the conference, I could not fully immerse myself in the program. But I’m a mother of two young children and have a hell of a lot of responsibilities on my plate. The odds of me ever fully immersing myself are slim, so I’ll take what I can get.

I was working on lots of personal stuff about my mom – some of which I will upload, which is cathartic. I don’t know what the final product is – or ultimate story but the emotions are raw and it’s good to document it now

Finding Time

I know, I’ve taken a hiatus from the blog, all because of very convincing excuses. I did however find time to read and enjoy several books which is a huge accomplishment on my end.

The kids are doing great.

My writers conference starts next week and while I have not had time to prepare anything, I’ve been thinking a lot about it. My in-laws are coming out to help with the kids which will really incentivize me to immerse myself in the program and write. I imagine I will be very productive during that time. The ten day conference is really a great opportunity even though I wonder how I am going to find the time to do it. People do a lot more on a lot less.

I also believe that once I get a schedule going, I will be more productive as well. I tend to thrive on schedules even though I resist them.

So that’s the latest.

I’m Trying

I really am trying. I’m just so tired and there is so much to do. Sure I’m trapped at home for most of the day waiting for my staples delivery, but there are still calls to make, emails to return, diapers to change, news to watch, naps to be had, and on and on.

I’m embarrassed that I am not exactly reading much more than the ingredient list on a cereal box but my plate is full.

For my summer writing workshop I switched to personal essay because I think writing something more manageable (shorter) is more realistic. I can start, edit and finish several pieces over the summer and perhaps find a published home for them.

I’ve been filling up my journal which is cathartic; though not sure if it will translate into essays or a memoir. I’d love to do stories of globe trekking with my mom. We had some amazing adventures abroad.

Eventually. At least I’m visiting this site quasi regularly and writing.

Poca a poca.