Archive for December, 2008

Forcing Myself to Type

December 2, 2008

I’m at the writers room forcing myself to push the keys on my keyboard, struggling to focus. The novel is definitely where I wanted it to be before I left, and I certainly enjoyed my hiatus, although I did jot down a handful of notes and ideas over the holiday.

Now that it’s time to execute the ideas and continue moving forward, I’m at a bit of a standstill and I blame it on being emotionally drained.

Rationally, I understand that there is no time like the present and it will doubtfully get any easier and there will always be something prohibiting me from finishing this novel. I get that. But emotionally, I’m so consumed with my mom in the hospital abroad. Scared, uncertain and helpless with her half way around the world. Taking care of her affairs here is helping me feel productive and resourceful but that too is taking a toll.

My father had the audacity to comment once again to my sister how he still holds a grudge for me not visiting him that frequently when he underwent his cancer treatment in Manhattan. Perhaps because
1) His cancer was treatable.
2) He rarely reached out to me during the treatment.
3) He blamed me for causing his cancer, a fact he denies. This man who does not remember making dates with me, stories he’s told me or I’ve told him, remembers verbatim what he had said to me in a fit of rage and that the distinction of a simple one syllable word like is or now clearly represented what he intended to say. And after accusing me of causing his cancer does not call for two weeks. It is not until I pick up the phone to make ammends that we address the situation.

My shrink would say it’s just another manifestation of narcissism, but that doesn’t make dealing with him that much easier.

In terms of my real estate business, my crazy unbalanced superintendent who refuses to even let me refer to him as such is quitting. I’m sure it’s for a pile of reasons that he has obsessed aboute exacerbated by his lonliness and hyper-sensitivity (he once told me not to refer to him as *clever* because he felt it implied deceptive).

While I’ve depended upon him a great deal and he has helped me immensely, being clever and resourceful, thorough and concerned. But it has not been without strife, headaches and drama. Perhaps this is the break that was threatening for so long that I was too afraid to initiate.

Hopefully I can find and train someone within the next few weeks, but of course this is another burden.