Archive for February, 2009

The Complainers

February 20, 2009

My sister and I, depressed and mourning, talk on a regular basis relaying the banalities of our days. Just as we each spoke with our mom on a regular basis we try to fill the void for each other. It just seems that she is the only one able to comprehend what I am going through, and vice versa. * I made the mistake of telling this to my husband which did not boost his ego.

I laugh thinking about how much time we each spend complaining about people who we have hired to help us. Her idiotic maid unplugs the refrigerator to load the groceries then forgets to plug it back in. She has also been instructed to turn the gas burners off after cooking. It makes the woman who helps me out at home seem like a genius. But yesterday I was furious because she was at the park with my older one when I wanted to drop off my younger one and go to the doctor.

As my husband tells me this is a job with no upward mobility so neither woman, while they should be grateful for a job, are so motivated. And as my mom would say, if they were so great they wouldn’t be maids or nannies.

Both of our analysts ought to be replaced but I don’t think either of us are interested in finding someone new and bringing them up to speed on our lives. Mine has pat answers: This was very consistent with feelings you have had growing up. Of course you are under a lot of stress. My sister’s analyst takes phone calls during her session.

Sometimes, we’ll compare notes on what our therapists say about the same thing. Hers is more forgiving of my father while mine finds him inappropriate. As I get older, I’m realizing that there is no one person who is the authority.

I’m also furious that my shrink uses such insensitive words when discussing my mom. Well, he really only uses one, Dead. Your mom is dead. Your mom died. Yes. I know, thank you. He could say passed, passed away, no longer here or a plethora of other euphemisms. The more I think about it, the more inappropriate it seems. I think I’ll tell him next time, but first I’ll get my sister’s opinion.

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What to Say in Awkward situations

February 16, 2009

Uncomfortable situations bring out the best and the worst in people (and the cliches) in people.

I was amazed by the thoughtfulness of some people, even those who admitted they did not know what to say. Because, when you lose your mom there is nothing you really want to hear or anything that anyone can say that will make you feel much better.

There’s the non-response, the people who are so uncomfortable that they elect not to say anything. I confess, I once did the ostrich move of burying my head in the sand pretending I did not exist when someone I know lost her mom. When she called me to express her condolences I admitted my embarrassment and cowardice. She understood as we barely knew each other. And even though we had never spoken on the phone until somewhat recently, I still feel awful, and told her so.

There was at least two people who pretended the elephant was not in the room and blatantly ignored my mother’s passing. Of course the people who do/did not know are forgiven. But others have revealed more about their personality than they realize.

Then there are the people who talk about themselves and their own loss. I don’t care about people of my mother’s generation who recently lost a parent. I don’t care about someone who misses her grandma. I feel that I can only relate to people have lost a parent, and really a mother.

Some people say such stupid inappropriate comments which garner snarky responses. Everyone wants to know what we are doing with my mom’s house (keeping it). One person said, “Oh, it’ll be so nice for you to have a place to go in the summer.”

Was she implying that I wouldn’t go there otherwise or that there was not enough room for me and the family? “I’d rather have my mother,” I said. *This is after she tells me not to blame myself for not calling her to deliver the news, then tells me she blames herself too.

This is not the conversation that I want to have with someone, even if she adored my mom.

So the stuff I like to hear is a heartfelt condolence or a nice memory about my mom or that she considered me her favorite 🙂

The Deep End

February 11, 2009

…I guess the headline is an improvement over “the void” which means perhaps I am doing better. I have no idea. My husband asks me if I heard the gossip about [insert celebrity in the news]. The answer is No. I barely have time to read my email. On a good day I can make it through a few headlines in the paper and that feels like an accomplishment.

Naturally, Page Six is not a priority, nor is my book. Does this mean I don’t want a book deal that badly? No. It just means I am choosing not to focus on my writing at this immediate moment in my life.

My husband sees me going through the motions, trying to stay afloat and thinks that I need more help…”so he doesn’t go to work angry at me.” I appreciate his honesty and am *slightly* disappointed that I never noticed how upset he was with me for my struggle to get out of bed in the morning.

I feel like I was swimming in the pool and next thing I know, I’m in the middle of the ocean caught in a rip tide. I know how to swim, I just don’t know where to go and if it is really making a difference. My shrink thinks its all part of the mourning process, but I still have a life to lead. I’m trying. I’m trying to break down into tears when my mom’s boyfriend calls me from her line and I see my mom’s name on my caller ID or when I think how my mom won’t be able to watch my children grow, or that I can’t call her up and ask even the most simple question.

Limited Time

February 1, 2009

While I have yet to do anything about my book, I’m pleased to say that I did locate my jump drive which likely has the most current draft I have not yet downloaded a back up on my laptop.

I have almost made it through this week’s US Weekly but this is merely because my older daughter ripped out some pages so there is less of it for me to read.

I did manage to write a post for NYC Moms and for my other site, so that is a minor accomplishment, and I’m firing off some thank you notes for presents for the new little guy. I thought I’d document this so there was some new activity, but a hungry son is keeping me from writing any more.

Limited Time

February 1, 2009

While I have yet to do anything about my book, I’m pleased to say that I did locate my jump drive which likely has the most current draft I have not yet downloaded a back up on my laptop.

I have almost made it through this week’s US Weekly but this is merely because my older daughter ripped out some pages so there is less of it for me to read.

I did manage to write a post for NYC Moms and for my other site, so that is a minor accomplishment, and I’m firing off some thank you notes for presents for the new little guy. I thought I’d document this so there was some new activity, but a hungry son is keeping me from writing any more.