The Deep End

…I guess the headline is an improvement over “the void” which means perhaps I am doing better. I have no idea. My husband asks me if I heard the gossip about [insert celebrity in the news]. The answer is No. I barely have time to read my email. On a good day I can make it through a few headlines in the paper and that feels like an accomplishment.

Naturally, Page Six is not a priority, nor is my book. Does this mean I don’t want a book deal that badly? No. It just means I am choosing not to focus on my writing at this immediate moment in my life.

My husband sees me going through the motions, trying to stay afloat and thinks that I need more help…”so he doesn’t go to work angry at me.” I appreciate his honesty and am *slightly* disappointed that I never noticed how upset he was with me for my struggle to get out of bed in the morning.

I feel like I was swimming in the pool and next thing I know, I’m in the middle of the ocean caught in a rip tide. I know how to swim, I just don’t know where to go and if it is really making a difference. My shrink thinks its all part of the mourning process, but I still have a life to lead. I’m trying. I’m trying to break down into tears when my mom’s boyfriend calls me from her line and I see my mom’s name on my caller ID or when I think how my mom won’t be able to watch my children grow, or that I can’t call her up and ask even the most simple question.

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